After picking up a few more clients recently, I am getting bombarded with the same old questions, which I will list here.

Can I get a timeline on when the site will be finished?

No, you can’t.  It’s not that I don’t want to give you a specific time when the project will be finished, its just that too much of it depends on you (the client).  You need to sign my contract, give me content, feedback, reviews, and opinions.  The process of creating and implementing a website is a two party business.  Giving you a timeline is like saying, “Hey! I like that date, it makes a smiley face on my iCal if I make your entire project due here!”.  It’s that arbitrary.

I want to use the logo my wife made and have that as a basis for the whole site.

Sir, honestly, its drawn in pencil.  It lacks color, depth, and professionally.  Why do you even want a website?  Are you marketing your brand/self or just want to showcase your wife’s ability to use a #2?  Use it for a basis for the whole site?  No sir, no.  This is just a bad representation of yourself and your site.

So I want a website with a back end, custom design, and a year worth of dedicated hosting.  Can you do it for like $300?

I certainly can, but I won’t.  People STILL have no idea what it takes to deliver a fully functional, hosted, robust website.  Web developers put tremendous amount of time into the tiniest aspects of a website, so at first your misunderstanding of the value of this work is acceptable.  But to give me that sad-puppy-dog-face when I explain how I can’t do it for that amount is just heartbreaking.  I’m sorry already!  I really wish I could drop half of my serious clients and do your website for you in 2 days with a $300 dollar budget, but….I just can’t: it’s like throwing away the business!  Make me some kind of Indian god with 8 arms, then I will show you some awesomeness for $300, but that surgery would be quite expensive.

Can you make the content text something other than Georgia (or tahoma, verdana, arial, courier…)?

No, I cannot.  I already explained how these fonts are standardized amongst all browsers and OS’s.  No, I know you have heard of sIFR, but it is insane to apply it to the entire document. (I know I know, wait till CSS3 rolls out)

I would love it if you made a flash splash page before visitors got to the main site!

What, you mean like this?  No.  Bad design choice.

UPDATE:

So if you make me the website, can you also make me #1 on Google search results?

Sigh.  Ma’am, do you know how many websites there are?  Your business is called ‘Susane Boyle’s Cupcakes’.  Havn’t you seen her youtube video?  It’s been viewed 41,000,000 million times.  How. The. Hell. Am. I. Going. To. Compete. With. This?  (thanks @gayadesign)